Dopass.com

Man, what an odd day it's been so far. I woke up in a maudlin mood today, thinking on the past in that half-conscious state between the moment when you first open your eyes and crawling out of bed. It wasn't a happy remembrance, oh no, fair reader. Mind you, I have no regrets, either. So, "wtf?" you say, dear reader? Well, read on.

Rather than dwell on specific regrets, I reflected on repeating patterns in the world around me. Specifically, politics at game studios. I am, oft-times, possessed of a singular monomania fixated squarely on making games. So it should come as no surprise to any of you that it was to my career I reflected when I looked back, this foul morning.

For some reason, I awoke with the concept of loyalty on my mind. I have occasionally been accused of being too loyal in my life, but this morning it occurred to me that some, no strike that, certain people out there think of me as mercenary because of my actions in the past.

The example that floated through the fog of slowly returning consciousness this morning was one that happened to me in what feels likes a lifetime ago - in a place as far from here as I am from the person these individuals think me to be...

At the time I was working for a small studio working on its first legitimate project. Oh sure, the studio had done a previous title, but it was obscure in the extreme - and for good reason. It was poorly made. Do not mistake my opinion - it was a fantastic game, but it was made poorly and poorly made games do not attract much notice (and this would be a problem to plague the studio until the day its unfortunate end was nigh). To return to the point, I was brought on board with 3 other designers to help with this, their first legitimate project. We were told we would have complete freedom to meld the game into what it needed it to be. You see - prior to the 4 of us being hired, there were no designers at this company in its entire history. They had, or so it appeared, recognized that as a fatal flaw and were giving us the freedom to rectify it.

As I began to work at this studio, it appeared that I had finally found what I was looking for. Ah, perhaps I should explain that - When I entered this industry I worked at a place called "Blizzard Entertainment." At the time it was a very small studio, I was employee 30, I think (it might be 35, admittedly that was a loooong time ago). In any event, the environment their was incredible. Creative, collaborative, and always focused on quality. In the 10 years since, I have only found one other place with a similar environment and so, like Galahad seeking the grail, I quest to find such a place again. So, as I said: When I arrived at this studio, I thought I had found my grail.

Again, the environment was collaborative, creative and there seemed to be a commitment to producing quality. I should stress this commitment to quality as it is the only thing required to make incredible games, but for some reason no studio on this earth save for the 2 or 3 such as Blizzard or Valve, seem to understand this. So, realizing how rare what I had found really was, I set about investing myself fully in the project and the team. In the coming months I poured all the creativity I had into forging the world of our game. Between the 4 of us, incredible care was taken to craft every aspect of the world's history, emotional make up and societal orders. Sure, one could use the word pastiche to describe the result, but there is no crime in that, what mattered was our commitment to quality.

With our world created we then set about to actually build it. We divided our efforts across the various regions of the world and set to work, but almost immediately we knew it was too much. To do the work in a meaningful time-frame we needed help. More hands, more creative minds, and more eyes focused on quality. We brought this request to our superiors and they agreed, and so began a period of expansion for the studio. Each addition to the team brought something new and exciting to the team. The mix of personalities was fantastic and the work we produced - while crude by today's standard - was top-notch and firmly cemented the values we had desired into the world. In short, though the world had not been polished to look pretty, it had been properly forged and tempered... and yet, looking back I see how many problems we had to overcome to make that happen. How many people we had to work around. How many personalities we had to compensate for.

It wasn't perfect, but in my desire for this place to be my grail, I really didn't see it. Instead I continued to invest myself into the project, making great strides to realize the vision we had forged... But many died along the way. Of the four, only two survived to the see the period of expansion peak. I was one of those two and at the peak of this expansion period I should have realized that questing for the grail is a fool's errand. There is no such thing, for even when it exists it is soon corrupted by the imperfect hearts of the questors. But, at the time I didn't see it. I thought I had the grail in my hands and I was committed to protecting it with a grave tenacity seen only in a true zealot.

You see, the latest additions at the expansion's peak didn't help the effort; they hindered it. Worse, they did so in such a way that the studio's heads - the Arthur and Lancelot to my Galahad - didn't see it happening. Or perhaps, refused to see it. Perhaps they were more Mordred and Morgan than Arthur and Lancelot. Perhaps I was blinded to it by the light of what I thought to be my grail - the perfect studio. In any event, the dream that I had found my grail were soon shattered.

It became increasingly more difficult to acquire the freedom we were supposedly granted when we began the project. Features that were required for the project to be considered "complete" were oft-times cut, or worse - they were OK'd but then never worked on because whenever someone began the tasks, they were deliberately moved to other things. The studio lost it's focus on quality and instead began to focus on shipping by certain date. People's work got sloppy, including my own, in in this new environment of "get it done, worry about it being fun later." Yet, in my loyalty to this place I still failed to see it. I spent my every waking moment focused on the project - even when I wasn't at work. I wrote volumes and volumes of documentation in my spare time. I came in when the studio was closed to add functionality that had been deemed "impossible to do in our time-frame" so that our game would not ship without such things. I gave up every other aspect of my life that there was to dedicate myself to this, to protecting the grail.

But I soon began to realize this dream was a nightmare. It began with a death, a critical one. Remember that I had said that of the original four only two remained? Well, one day the two of us came to the studio on a holiday to get some work done. Arthur was there as well and we spent several hours in conference. It was a pleasant thing. Yes, we spoke of work, but it was friendly. There was a camaraderie there that you only feel with people who have sacrificed alongside you. So, imagine my surprise when, upon the next morn, Lancelot did take one of us two - Sir Gareth - aside and execute him, with the apparent blessing of Arthur.

I gnashed my teeth that day and I cursed the heavens, but I held my tongue. Surely, I thought, there must be reason. These are Good Men, they would not strike such a person down without reason, would they? You see, I had forgotten that in the some versions of the story, Lancelot loses his honor to a woman. It was the same here; though the specific details were different, Lancelot struck this man down after losing his honor - after losing his virtue in his hurry to covet what a particular woman represented. So, that day I worked as I always did, but when I returned to my home to rest, I found that I could not. There was nothing I could do to keep it out of my mind. Try as I might to deny it I knew what I had witnessed was a betrayal of the worst possible kind. If I had, indeed, found the grail, it was sundered by this action. Lancelot had proven that we band of knights were not worthy of the grail and it was gone in that instant.

What was I to do? Should I leave, then? Abandon those I had dedicated so much of my loyalty and effort to in order to seek the grail once again? In my heart, I knew this was exactly what I should do, but at this point I had a death grip on my grail and I would not part with it, despite the fact that it was obviously no longer holy - if it ever was to begin with. So, instead, I approached our studio heads, Arthur and Lancelot, and I pointed out the injustice. Arthur, in the fashion of one so named, was struck to the emotional core by my arguments. In the confidence of privacy he agreed with me. "We made a mistake. This is our fault" were his words to me.

And yet... He did nothing to rectify the problem. Not even a full day had gone by, he could have simply exercised his power as the leader of our band to command that this injustice be undone and behold, the dead would have risen and our band of brothers would have been restored. But, he did not. Instead he said simply, "Lancelot commands you lot; how can I reverse his decision?" Had the woman who, by virtue of her origin, had blinded Lancelot also blinded Arthur? I don't know, to be honest. Perhaps Arthur simply lied to me, perhaps there had never been a brand of brothers there to begin with. Like I said, perhaps more Mordred than Lancelot, perhaps more Morgan than Arthur. I wish I knew.

I was still too loyal to these people to see what had happened. So, for the next week I told them how I felt. I showed them what they had done, but they refused to see it. Finally, I sought to shock them out of their denial. I told simply that I would resume my quest and seek the grail elsewhere if they did not rectify this mistake. They refused. Then, in a moment of weakness, I gave them an out - a way to show they were still as loyal to me as I was to them that did not require they rectify their mistake. It was an ultimatum; they were to show me that they valued my presence and I would sacrifice even further to remain here and finish the project despite how it would delay my personal quest and stain my own honor.

Lancelot called me to his domain to settle the matter once and for all. For my weakness I was called arrogant. For my insight into what happened I was called foolhardy. My skills, the same skills that had helped to forge the world we toiled in and that had built a small band of knights into an army, were called into question. My loyalty was called into question. As I stood there and weathered this assault, I realized my folly. I had never found the grail at all; I'd been distracted by illusions and temptations the whole time. As Lancelot struck me down I sighed in relief. It was finally over and I died knowing the truth.

But now, the four had become none. Lancelot and Arthur were soldiers certainly, but what of their their wisdom, their virtue? I doubt they had much of either to begin with, sadly.

They released the project many months later. By then I was working somewhere else and I had resumed my quest for my grail. In all this time, I still haven't found it, but I got to see the project those knights had completed after I left. I sobbed. The spark of greatness that we had toiled so long to keep alive was still there, but in the time after I was struck down, no kindling had been built around it and so there was no fire, no beacon to bring the people to witness it. Even the kindling we 4 had spent so much effort cultivating had, in may cases, been doused so that it would not flame or swept away completely.

I haven't thought of that place in a very long time, but this morning I remembered that they'd called what I did, my giving them an out, a mercenary move. I doubt they ever saw that what I was doing was giving them a way to keep my loyalty without having to admit they made a mistake. They didn't see that I acted out of loyalty, not greed. Perhaps they simply couldn't bring themselves to do so because they would have to make a private admission of error just to stomach using that out. I really don't know, but you know what?

Despite all that, I wish Arthur the best. He was a Good Man, albeit lacking the courage I originally thought I saw in him. He could have put an end to the whole debacle with a simple wave of his kingly hand, but couldn't bring himself to expend the energy for fear of what it would mean. I just hope that someday he learns it's a king's duty to do so. His kingdom is doomed at Mordred's hand if he does not.

- Snipehunter